Fall/winter always reminds me of having a boyfriend.  A boy in a zip up is much more attractive/cuddly than a boy in a swimsuit.

In a totally unconnected sidenote: I've been talking to my friend in Arizona a lot again.  He calls me hideous, beastly, and makes fun of my feet and will never show a sign of joking while on the phone.  Only during texts will refer to "liking" me.
me: "Haha I feel like this is very 5th grade"
him: "That's how I like it! I'd rather make it confusing then just flat out saying I like you"
...I mean teasing/flirting is one thing but he is pretty convincing.

The sad part is that regardless of how seriously I take this kindergarten crush, I do think I am too big for him.  He's my height maaaaybe a half inch shorter and really skinny. There is no argument that I'm not a petite girl.  That is always my problem :/

All my friends are like 5'4"-5'7" & have perfectly flat stomachs and athletic legs.  Then there is me.  I don't even care about my height, I just really really really wish I could look skinner.  If I was a skinny giant then maybe I wouldn't be so...big.

This entry is kind of ADD.

I had a dream last night that I can't piece together

- My family and I were at a beach house that wasn't on the ocean, and we spent everyday at the pool.  My mom and sister ditched me and went to a concert without me.
-Jake was there are we started dating, but I think he was using me and turned out to be a douche. I cant remember if I stopped dating him by the end of the dream
-I was goofing off in some line and Hillary Clinton was in line behind me, when I noticed I got super embarrassed.  Chelsea was in that part.
-All my friends and I were partying outside, the cops showed up to ticket everyone and I said I was driving and didn't drink.  Then they inspected my car and this wet grass was all over it, which they said was weed (it wasnt).  I started crying and saying that I was telling the truth.  Then someone (I couldn't tell if it was Nash or Taylor Soares, maybe both at two different points?) said they had pot on them.  Then everyone suddenly ran off from the cops and left me there, the cops ticketed me for everyone elses things, even though I was sober, and left.
-I didn't wake up crying, but the end of my dream was of me sobbing by my car with a ticket in hand.

WEIRD!

Lately all my dreams have been bad ones, ranging from my parents divorcing to potential rape to run-ins with the cops.
I want to learn to have lucid dreams & be able to avoid things like this.

Here comes a complicated story that hardly has a point.  Lets even start with the moral of the story: I can't seem to just be chill and let things happen.

-So this year my friends Brad and Tyler live with with two of Tyler's friends from childhood.  One, Ryan, happens to be extremely cute.  I'm a flirty person, especially when drunk, as is he.
-Last weekend Tyler and Brad told me about how they drove Ryan to Santa Cruz to break up with his girlfriend. (keep in mind they don't know about my crush) They told me this all happened over two weeks ago.  But last weekend she uploaded a picture onto facebook of the two of them cuddling & his relationship status is still in a relationship with whateverhernameis...two weeks after the alleged break up.
-Thursday we were all over at their house.  I saw Ryan making out with this ugly chick (not trying to be mean, just saying hah) but it didn't phase me at all.  But then later in the night he said something to my friend Katie like, "yeah I already ruined one thing tonight" and when she asked what he answered, "my chances with Hannah, since i hooked up with that other girl". Whaaa?
-The next day, and even today a little bit...he's been like fine but not talking to me thaaat much.  Like I figure if a dude wants a "chance" he'd talk to me more than everyone else, or show some form of interest, anything?

All in all, I think I might like this guy.  It's really not a big deal if we're just friends.  The problem is, I don't know how to just let things happen or not happen. That fact should be obvious, seeing as it's 3am and I'm blogging about this.  Also, should I still be showing interest?  Or should I just be his friend?  If he isn't going for anything more than friends I don't want to end up embarrassing myself.

Any advice, livejournal world? hahah.

The occasional cigarette with Meagan on the bench outside seems to be becoming our latest mechanism to cope with stress.
It's relaxing to get away from everyone.

Not that I'm missing this particular person, but the smell of cigarettes that is left on my fingers reminds me of him. I have never been around someone who smoked on a regular basis as much as I was him, so I think my brain will forever connect him and that lingering scent.

It's kind of comforting in a weird way, how we connect smells to memories.

The frustration of getting sick all the time seems to be getting to me more and more each time I get sick.
I don't like to feel sorry for myself but it sucks.  I was just sick with infections and crazy fevers a month ago, and now I have them again...and this is not a new pattern.  It is hard to live a normal life having to miss out on things all the time, but I don't have a normal life anymore.  Being an RA zaps all my time as it is, I don't have 2-4 days to throw away but self-isolating.

I have a new theory about it that I plan on running by doctors tomorrow.  Since my blood work always comes back normal and they can't find a reason, I think it might be stress induced.  I've always been really stressed and sensitive to everything.  My mom has also told me that I have ridiculous will-power and could "bend metal with my mind"...which is kind of true if I convince myself of something it's not very likely that I can change my own mind.  I always seem to get sick right in the middle of a busy week, before finals, or before something else important.
There has to be some explanation for why I have always run these ridiculous fevers, maybe it's my brains way of dealing with stress because I'm otherwise incapable?  I don't want to admit that, but at least it'd be something.

annoying. disheartening.

Here is the last week and a half of my life in picture/video form:


I love my staff.  This year is looking like it's going to be 100% awesome.  I feel very blessed to be able to be in this position :)

...to do my last summer post in a mildly cross-faded state.

I'm fine now, but I drank a beer and two glasses of Eddy's "jungle juice" and then smoked a blunt with Taylor, Kelsey, and Dylan.  I feel so stupid saying blunt; but hey that's what it was.
I can't wait to be back in SLO tomorrow...it really is my home.  But tonight was so nice and I really do love my friends here.  It's fun to be one of the guys, I don't have that at school.

Can I just say that I have had a crush on this boy for goodness knows how long.  He is so stinking cute and friendly.  However, he is friendly all around and I have deducted that he isn't "into me".  Boo.

Hot Dog on a Stick!
Everyone thinks it's hilarious/embarrassing but I loved working there...it had been my dream teen-job since I was really little.
However, I gained weight working there because you got two free food items and free drinks every time you work. HDOS is obviously not very healthy, but I recommend their sugar-free lemonade, I like it better than regular anyways.
I miss that place, but I still love how whenever someone finds out that I worked there their first question is, "did you have to wear the hat?"

Fun Fact: HDOS was Tyra Banks' first job.  Does this mean I'm destined to be a world famous supermodel?  Probably so.

Three nights ago was the last time we saw Cooper.
I couldn't do anything besides watch tv yesterday because it was the only thing that kept my mind off him.
Last night my Dad and I put signs around the neighborhood and my next door neighbor told me that a bobcat which frequented our area was in her front yard two nights ago.
Needless to say, I was super depressed.  Around midnight I just sat outside in hysterics and praying he'd show up.
I didn't fall asleep until 2:30 (I had to be up this morning by 7).
At 6:30 I heard a thud on the stairs and my mom talking frantically.  She had gone out front this morning and he showed up out of no where!!  She fell up the stairs on her way to put him on my bed.
Seriously, I have never cried out of joy before. (for the cat, not my mom falling obviously).

I cannot believe it.  I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my cat was dead and he just popped out of no where.  I wish I could get inside his little kitty mind and figure out where he has been.  I'm so relieved.

Little feline love of my life, you had better never do that to me again.

A change of scenery was so refreshing last night.
It reminded me of all the new opportunities and new friends to be made at school this year.

One more week! I am so nervous, but it's mostly excited nerves so I guess that's good.
I know it's totally girly, but I would really like to meet a nice fella this year.  I'm starting to think I have some kind of repellent.

I'm going to leave my last post just because it's already out there, and I don't want to delete my thoughts.  But there are a lot of edits to be made.

I know I have a huge family that cares about me and worries which is why my mom tells them everything.  & I know my mom is always 100% there for me that is never even a question...it's just been a very long day.
Also, I know I used to write super depressing posts a couple years ago and the way I used "escape" in my last post meant nothing like that at all.  I just want an answer, and then a decision to be made for me...because it's frustrating.

This is all new grounds.  Pretty much everyone in my life knows everything about my life, I'm an open book.  I guess this week with this new search - you might call it - I'm taking after my Dad and wanting to keep things private.  At least until we have some answers.

When I talk about it so vaguely this ordeal probably sounds super intense or scary or something.  I don't know.  I mean yeah, it is..but there are so many reasons to think it's something dealable (yeah, I just made that word up but I'm sticking with it) that it's silly to focus on the "what ifs".  That is something I'm just learning this week.

If you believe in Christ, please keep me and my family in your prayers.  If not, send thoughts of good karma or optimism my way.

"He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm"
-Matthew 8:26

"I'm sorry you don't have friends that care about you, but I do"

I'm officially alone in this.  She wants out of figuring this out, so she is.
Part of me is hoping that it's bad, just so I can escape.

Life is busy.

I finally got RA info today...honestly I don't know if I am cut out for it.  It's just so much.  Although I do love being on the go, I like organizing things my own way (hence my ocd-status daily schedules) and training/duties/events are going to have to be top priority as opposed to working out, watching my tv shows, & spending time with friends.  Oh and uh, studying too...of course.

I have a huge to-do list before I go back to school, and I'm going to try to tackle most of it tomorrow.  Hopefully my sporatic fevers don't get in the way of that.

Countless appointments, garage sale, SD trip, rekindling friendships, CPR training, chores, packing/shopping....and only 2 1/2 weeks to get it all done.  Crap.

My cousins left today after spending 10 days in California, primarily at my house.
It was dramatic due to my uncle and older cousin being very selfish...but I miss Erik (17) and Lauren (15) so much already.
This trip was the first time we've all been older - Erik and I spent a lot of time hanging out just the two of us because he stayed back to hang out with me when the rest of his family went to San Diego.  I really love the people they are growing up to be.  I feel like the three of us have good heads on our shoulders in a family that gets pretty screwy.
I know that if Erik goes to school out here to play baseball (which he plans to) I'll get to see him a lot more which would be awesome.  He has definitely turned into a great friend and not simply a cousin.
Lauren and I have always been really close, we are both getting to the age where I can really be an influence on her.  Erik hides from her that he drinks and smokes, so I've tried to be more honest.  Of course I don't get into all the details but she knows I have smoked before and that I drink sometimes.  Sure that's probs not 100% honest but I've always thought that the things you're forbidden to do and are ignorant to are the first things teenagers try.  She is a smart girl, I'm not worried.  She just still seems 12 to me so I want to keep her innocent.

They both text me when they landed/got home.  Erik said he was tempted to just hop on a plane and fly back.
I miss them, it sticks that we see each other maybe once a year.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I've always felt at 5'11" there is a fine line between being a tall girl and a big girl.  Think about it, some girls my height are considered super pretty because of it, and others are "big boned".  I have been flirting pretty hardcore with that line for awhile, and have even been having sleepovers at the big side's house (so to speak, hah).

Time to change that.  I'm going to eat only fruits, veggies, a few almonds a day, and tea for at least four days.  If I get too weak I'll stop after four days but if not I'll try to go longer.  Since I have family visiting it'll be hard to exercise until Thursday when they leave, so I just plan to be active between now and then.  Good thing I count work as exercise!

I know I'm not fat, I'm a healthy BMI for my height.  &  I don't want to look super skinny...140-145 would look healthy on me.  Alright, 10-15 lbs....time to peace out.

MEXICAN FOOD.
I don't care if they use the same ingredients for everything (cheese, tortilla, pico/salsa, lettuce, guac)

so greasy, so delicious.

I haven't been feeling 100% like myself for a really long time now, since last summer probably.  Looking back at old pictures kind of solidified that feeling.

I used to be know for being smiley and happy-go-lucky.  I feel so much more moody and cynical these days.  Sure, I'm still a very happy girl and I still get teased for my voice and the squeaks that sometimes work themselves into my laughs...but it's different.
Maybe it's because that girl was so nonconfrontational that she got sick of being walked all over, which happened a LOT throughout high school.  So that person turned into someone with a bitchy side?
It's good that I can stand up for myself more now...but I am really starting to miss who I used to be.  Going into high school Joey DiPadova and I said that we were going to get the bundle of joy pseudo award together...that seems like a really long time ago now haha.

At this point I feel like I have myself pretty balanced, so it is warped to feel like I'd rather go back to being unbalanced?

A big part of it might be because weekends for the majority of high school consisted of sleepovers and Chelsea's, going to some show at Chain or Showcase, etc.  Now it is always going to Pat's and drinking, going to Ben's and drinking, etc.  Not to say those things aren't really fun...but every now and then the 15 year old in me wants to go back to OC marathons on a Friday night.

I've been facebook messaging this guy I met a few times during the school year at my friend's apartment.
The second I saw him I thought he was amazingly cute, and Thomas said it was hitting on me the first night we met.  He was drunk though and I was definitely sober, haha.  Anyways, I decided "what the hell" and sent him a message a few days ago asking how is summer is going and we've been talking since.
I know it is beyond lame --or at least a bit taboo-- to start a relationship over the internet...but what other choice is there when the people I am around half of the year live hours and hours away the other half?  Relationship was not the right word to use there, I have absolutely no expectations I just want to get to know the guy.  & he seems really cool so far.  If nothing else, it will be a good process for me to see that not all guys are assholes.

I really need a life, I could blog about work but I feel like that is just as boring to read.
-our air doesn't work, it was 88 inside a freaking restauraunt today
-I love the regulars, except the mean ones of course.
-Brittney, my favorite broho, is hilarious
-I've only been working 9 hours a week!  Terrible.

I guess I could describe my last few days, buuuut I'd rather not haha.  Lets just say the inevitable happened, at least that's how Virgnia worded it.

Hopefully Jordan and I are going to the beach tomorrow.  I have a lot of cleaning to do so I should probably go to bed/wake up early to get it done.  Also, I wanted to swim laps in my pool first so I don't feel like a fatass all day.

I woke up the other day angry at him.  It's no secret that he is super immature and doesn't know what he wants, or how to handle his actions.  At this point, I'm over it.  He isn't a guy that I want to be with because he will never change and I feel so past all the drama.  I don't want to get myself mixed up in it anymore.  As for the other night,  I am chalking it up to a drunken mistake.  I really regret sending him that text to clarify what happened.  I'm not stupid, I know what happened.  I think I sent it because I subconsciously want to be wrong.  It's come to the point where no matter how much I have always wanted to be wrong about him, I am completely right.  I know him way to well to fool myself anymore, it just makes me look like the fool.
I wish I could be positive that this is it, I'm finally letting go and moving on, but I can never be sure.  All I can do it hope it is and anytime I might be falling for it again I just have to remind myself of everything I know.
A bummer to all of this is that we are in the same group of friends.  He doesn't know how I'm feeling right now because he doesn't talk to me.  The other night he invited everyone over to jacuzzi except me, and last night we were all barbecuing and he just never showed up even though he said he was coming.  Oh well, as long and I am the one still spending time with my friends I don't care what he does.

I would cry while watching What I Like About You.

Let's face it: I put a lot of my self worth into whether or not I have a guy in my life.  It's not right.  Until I become the girl I used to be, the girl who didn't need anyone, I won't have anyone.  It's a vicious cycle, really.

I hate that all my blogs are so dramatic and pessimistic.  I am truly having a wonderful summer!  I'm not some depressing person who sits around all the time and feels sorry for herself.  This is just the best place for me to get out all my late night thoughts and vent.  I'm sure I've said that before, but the disclaimer needs to be restated.

If you don't care about my personal life (who would? I don't even), then feel free to check out my blogger:
hmfischer.blogspot.com/
it's probably not much more entertaining but I like it better & I don't usually vent there.